Relationships with adult children
My husband and I just returned from back-to-back visits with both our boys, one a sophomore in college, and the other starting his first year of law school. Those visits stirred up a lot of thoughts and feelings about how different it is to parent an adult child. Gone are the days of control and being the provider of all their basic needs. Here are these men dealing with college, jobs, dating, defining success, and discovering their identities. It’s probably one of the most difficult but least discussed phases in parenthood. Here are some things about relationships with adult children I am learning along the way.
1. Respecting new boundaries
Let’s start with not just showing up unannounced. In fact, we make a conscious effort not to visit either son unless invited. Their invites may not always align with your schedule or may be less frequent than you would like, but that’s part of them growing up.
One of our sons lives with 3 other roommates, so we stay in a hotel. The other one rents a house by himself, so we bring air mattresses and sleep there. Make sure your expectations of the trip are aligned. Discuss dinners and activities ahead of time. They have their own lives now with class and social obligations. Don’t expect to show up and have them spend every second entertaining you. If they have a significant other, try to make room for them by inviting them to dinner. Some of our favorite trips have been spent tagging along with our sons and their friends while they show us the town.
2. Don't offer advice unless you're asked
I read somewhere that you are now a consultant, not the CEO. They are trying to carve out their own life and if you start criticizing, expect a complete shutdown. Unless it is causing danger, allow them to make their own decisions. An example would be what they choose to wear or how much facial hair they are growing. You may disagree with their choices, but it’s certainly not hurting anyone. My younger son is bound and determined to have a full-blown moustache and that is just simply not in my control anymore. The feedback of his peers will trump my opinion any time.
Also understand that your adult children are not always asking for advice. As a mom, I always wanted to just “fix it”. Sometimes they just want a sounding board. Learn how to listen more than you talk. Also, learn how they communicate and what they respond to. If they want your advice, they will specifically ask for it. Along with this comes the “poker face”. These are adults now and they may tell you something that makes you uncomfortable, but don’t let them know it. Stay calm and you will be amazed at how much they are willing to share with you.
3. Give Positive Feedback
Believe it or not your grown-up children still want to impress you! It’s so important to communicate how proud you are of them even if you think they already know it. My boys’ faces light up if you tell them how great their places look. Tell them how proud you are of how they are managing their time or keeping up their grades. They still want to know you like their friends or especially their significant other.
4. Find fun things to do together
Remember when you visit, this is their home now. Ask them to show you around. Let them pick the restaurant. Be excited about seeing their apartment, house, or school. Let them decide the activities for the visit. If they attend college, go to a sporting event (that’s a no-brainer) and it’s always fun to meet their friends!
It’s surprising how college kids love to meet the parents! It certainly doesn’t hurt if you take a couple out to eat. The things I have learned about my adult children through their friends is priceless. Just be careful about boundaries in this area. Your adult son probably doesn’t want you sharing a story about how he had a “Dora the Explorer” birthday party (I learned that one the hard way).
5. Don't Guilt Them
Guilting your adult kids will always backfire and honestly nobody in that situation wins. Just try hard to remember anytime your parents tried to guilt you. Don’t make them feel bad about not calling you enough. Don’t force them to visit you more (they may show up, but it won’t be fun). Focus on having a good relationship and all the other things will come naturally.
Be realistic where you fit into their life now. Let go of these adults as they transition into the world. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and I cannot tell you how many times I wish I could just go back to the days of temper tantrums in the grocery store. You can’t put them into time out anymore and that loss of control is sometimes unbearable.
But on the other hand, watching them become amazing humans with their own identities is amazing! Hope that you gave them the tools they need to make good decisions. Be there to support them when they make bad decisions. Isn’t it great to be needed by choice versus necessity? I guess thank goodness I still have my dog!
