Empty Nesters are parents whose children have grown up and moved out. When that happens, the reaction of parents is often called the "empty nest syndrome" a feeling of grief and loneliness after their children leave home.
We did it. After months of preparation and packing, we successfully moved our final son into college. The adrenaline dump when it’s over is real. The feelings of accomplishment and loss all at the same time are confusing. You come home to a quiet house and now it’s time to pull yourself together. The good news is, I’ve done this before, 3 years ago with our first son, and I learned a ton! My goal here is to share with you the 4 important steps I learned to get you through this major life change. You will survive in an empty nest!
Step 1- It's time to clean
So first go sit in his room. Take it all in and maybe even cry for a minute if you have to. Now it’s time to deep clean from ceiling to floor. Just think, once it’s done, it’s going to actually STAY like that until Thanksgiving! Find those dirty dishes and empty soda cans under the bed. Throw out those dirty sneakers that didn’t make it into the “pack” pile and wash all the sheets! If you’re feeling really motivated, maybe even add a fresh coat of paint or shampoo the rug! Since we are in our “downsized” house, I went one step further and changed his room into what could function as a guest room. I also added some color to his bathroom. Don’t worry… I haven’t told him yet. Trust me. When it’s all done you will already feel better!
Boy Room Redo
The Bed
Bought new sheets, lighter duvet, more pillows, and a throw for color. I changed the art on the wall (he had a tapestry there). Finally added nightstands and little lamps.
The couch
Added more throw pillows with more color and texture. Bought that little cow print pouf for a little pop! Bought a black and white canvas print for the wall. Finally, I put pictures in the center of records to hang on the wall. The pics are of him of course!
The bathroom
Added a shower curtain for color and warmth (even though there are sliding doors). Bought a rolling cart to store guest towels and toilet paper.
Step 2- Set up points of contact
This may seem like it’s obvious but trust me, based on experience it’s NOT! The first few weeks after you drop them you will have a constant need to know where they are and what they’re doing. You’ll want to call and hear his voice, which you will, when you get his voicemail. That’s understandable, so at first you don’t panic. You leave a sweet message; “Hey it’s mom. Just checking in and wanted an update. Call me when you get a chance.” An hour goes by. It’s time for a text. I mean he always has his phone attached to his body. Maybe he can’t talk but he can ALWAYS text, right?! The text is a little more urgent. “Hey me again. Just wanted to know how it’s going. I left you a voicemail. Would love a quick text.” It’s delivered. Any minute you should see the little dots that he’s responding, right? Another hour goes by. Ok now if you are like me, panic starts to set in. I feel my heart beat get faster, my face is flushed, and I’m imagining everything that could be happening. Has he lost his phone? Did he even come home to his dorm last night? Why haven’t his roommates contacted me to let me know he’s missing? Should I contact the campus police? Maybe I should go there (I mean it’s only 4 hours away).
Deep breath! 20 minutes later the phone finally rings and you see his name across the top. Relief rushes through you as you finally hear his voice. "Everything is fine mom. We were getting something to eat. My phone was on silent. Why are you being such a freak?"
So here is where the contact rules come in. Set up a weekly, daily, whatever time that he needs to call you. Stick to those contact times! Save up your 500 questions for that time slot. Ask him to call you when his 3 roommates aren't screaming in the background and he can have a real conversation. He's having an amazing time and experiencing all the freedom he suddenly has. As heart breaking as it may be, calling mom is WAY DOWN on the to-do list. You should actually be happy about that! If he needs you he will call and here's the best part. One day, when it's not your scheduled contact time he will call simply because he misses you!
Step 3-Change your routine
The worst part about right after he leaves, is not seeing him when you would normally expect to. He’s not walking in the door after school. He’s not showing up at the dinner table. He’s not watching your weekly reality tv show with you. So how about YOU do something different too? When all the kids come home from school go walk the dog or pick that time to run errands. Dinner time is a little more tough, but start a new tradition with your husband. Instead of Tuesday being taco night which it always was before, now it’s Chinese takeout night. This might sound crazy, but maybe switch up where everyone sits. We switched our Hello Fresh delivery to two people instead of four (he ate two portions), and with all that money we just saved, we go out an extra night. That weekly reality TV show… record it and watch it at a different time. Maybe even try to make your husband watch it! The point is…your time is yours now so do something with it!
Step 4- Reinvent yourself
This is the hardest one but also the most rewarding! You just had a whole bunch of time open up in your day. You clean less, you cook less, you do less laundry! It’s time to explore some new hobbies! What interests you that you never had time for? I might have taken this idea to the extreme when my “new hobby” was to get my real estate license, but it worked! I was certainly distracted, and that is the purpose here. Do something out of your comfort zone. Is it time to finally go to the gym? Maybe you should start a book club! Is there volunteer work you’ve been wanting to do? How about start going to a cooking or painting class? I plan on having some blogs that can get you going on a DIY home project. Watch Youtube… you can learn anything there! One last crazy idea… start a blog!
If you already have a full-time job, maybe you can finally enjoy your "wine down" hours... go meet some friends for wine! Have date night with your husband. It's time to remember who YOU were before you were a mom.